I must say , this month, March, I have pushed someone to the limits. He has had enough of my never-ending excuses for far too long. Always coming every day with new threats and still I don’t respond to them.

I’m talking about my landlord. Yes him . The old, angry man who walks in a slow pace. When it’s mid month he will great you with a smiley face like those whatsapp emojis you use to show your crush when she says a joke to you although it wasn’t that funny. But woe unto you :The second day of a new month arrives. When you leave your house for work in the morning, he would give you ‘the look ‘ :The smile is replaced by a mournful grin. No greetings or any exchange of pleasantries whatsoever. In his hands, he arranges the huge bunch of keys according to the house’s numbers: And the padlock he uses…one large padlock which is almost difficult to get a spare key. His main weapon in his armour: his final one actually. Which is our nightmare. You can imagine arriving from work late at night. You are dead exhausted, hunger is eating your stomach alive. You struggle to climb those steep stairs which are straining your already-tired leg muscles till you reach the second floor. You reach your house, dip your hands into your pockets and take out your keys. You insert your hand into where the padlock is, only to find another, much bigger padlock seated comfortably next to yours. That’s when you remember the rent is due payment. There and then, you are defenceless against the landlord. No weapon formed against him shall prosper.  You are doomed. Totally absolutely doomed.

Anyway, let me share to you what happened some few months ago. Since I’m a huge fan of the Vampire Diaries, let me call this one “Landlord diaries”. It was one Friday evening, at around six pm. I was lucky enough to get out of job early, and it was on a FRIDAY so you can imagine my feeling at that moment. I removed my tie and dropped it at the back of my car. Destination: Stella’s house. Stella, Stella, Oh my? She was…she was just Stella. I’ve been literally hunting her for some few weeks and now she has finally accepted me to come to her house. She was just wow!…I have to say this.. I was proud of myself. Have you ever gotten that feeling of great accomplishment ,whether small or huge?  That satisfaction that comes with it. You feel yourself relax to levels best known to your soul. Yes, that’s the feeling I’m talking about. So I drove towards her estate after staying in traffic for half an hour. She was a media personality who worked with one of the huge media service companies. So yes, she was living it big-for a single woman. I drove into her estate and slowly drove toward the last house on the road:her house. I parked my car outside the house and as soon as I got out, I heard the door flung wide open. It was her. Wow.. She was in a tight black shorts and a white,stomach-cut top. Damn she looked amazing. And her eyes-those blue, unique eyes.  She was the first girl I had seen with blue eyes. Can you imagine. Those eyes were like magnets to me. Just a single look and poof!  You become a zombie who has seen flesh. And no, I’m not one the zombies incase your asking. Mine was legitimate. 

So, I went into her house, and found out she had prepared one hell of a supper for me-yes for me. I,  I mean we,  we devoured it until I was full . God I had missed being cooked for. 

Two hours later..The movie was almost ending. We were watching some animation :Moana I presume. Not a huge fan but I watched however. And honestly I loved it. Then shit happens. Just when you know all things are going well, the devil himself sure knows how to turn things around. Just as we were enjoying that awesome meal,  blackout happens. The lights go off suddenly. I just curse in my mind:loudly in fact. Really? Of all the days blackout could have occurred, why today? 

Then an idea bumped into my mind. All this time she hasn’t stepped into my house..now’s the time. “I think we should go to my house, this electricity nowadays it can stay for days ” I said.  I was eagerly waiting for a negative response. She was kind of a ‘no’ girl.  

”That sounds nice. Shall we go now. I’ll go change” She took off into her bedroom and I stared at her in surprise. She fell for it. In five minutes, she came back with everything she needed in her bag. We went into my car and took off. It was around 11 pm and the road was totally clear. I cruised my car through the highway and in five minutes time, we arrived in my home. I drove past the main gate and parked outside my house. “we’re here ” I said as we got out of the car. We climbed the stairs as I dipped my hands into my pocket-where I usually keep my keys. We walked two floors up the stairs and finally reached my house. I took my key and inserted it into the padlock. It didn’t open. I placed my hand into the opening only to be shocked. A huge: I mean huge padlock was closely locked next to mine. Mine looked like a shadow of it. 

‘Is everything alright ‘ She asked as she stood behind me. I was actual speechless. The landlord has decided to torture me like this. I thought. Then there was a loud cough behind us. I looked behind, only to see him: The old man, our landlord whistled as he walked past us. He directly looked at me as he smiled. He knew he had gotten me:pretty well in fact. There I was, with this amazing woman, house locked: I was locked out of my heaven. 

…And the rest I’ll leave it to your imagination. 

One thought on “Landlord Affairs 

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